It’s Easter (just gonna say it too, I’m spiritual not religious but I appreciate those who believe in/how they want and if you DO know me, I am open minded) (that being said, thanks for the Easter well wishes & 2 cases, for the ‘sexually connotated’ text/emails last night – HA HA) See, can’t change your spots! HA HAI’m doing laundry just waiting to get OUTSIDE into the gorgeous day. This text made my day since I have to admit I am still scared to not ruin this wonderful friendship (?) with JMN (again). I have to go back a bit to tell you that JMN was once someone I was involved with (I guess it’s been over 2 years ago) but at that time it was the wrong time for us both. He was married and I wasn’t being fair to myself or him. I fell for him then and I still feel the same for him now. But the good thing is that HE ended it. He did what he should do, went back to his wife and family and tried to make that work. Since then, the marriage ended but he didn’t reach out to me (until the end of March), and given his new found ‘freedom’ it’s a much safer place for us both. The reality though, he is still this wonderful amazing, thoughtful, giving, but ‘thinks things through’ man.
The first recent meeting just brought back that huge grin I’ve always had about him. Seeing him again, thinner, still scared and scarred but apparently in a happier (somewhat) place with himself. I have to admit though, it was not easy wanting to just throw myself at him and we DID end up having sex, which he was SMART to tell me he didn’t want THAT – and now we are trying to keep that portion at bay. But we have fallen into that lustful pattern and so luckily since he has his son for one week at a time, THIS week is a good way for me to try and leave him alone!! J Not going to say I haven’t been constantly thinking about him, but besides the sex, our friendship, laughs, conversations and just being with each other is TRULY what I always missed.
JMN brings out the softer side of me. He makes me WANT to be a better woman, he says things to me that very few others have – in letting me be me, but also reminding me of the good I forget IS inside of me. The writer, the explorer, the woman who just wants to be held and loved and who can be happy. But this woman also knows that she doesn’t want to ruin this friendship/relationship. I value, admire and respect it more than others I have had. Because like him, I enjoy JMN being himself, his voice, his convictions, his strength, love, being an amazing father, his intelligence and the man HE IS! It’s amazing hearing his stories again; now they seem to be more fluid, easier for him to want to share. I sense the fear, the guarded trust, and the loneliness inside of him, but when we just cuddle or sit quietly I know that the both of us are so similar as well as we are so different. We both have that trust issue. I’m more verbal though and share everything while he is much more introverted and guarded. But ironically, the pain we both share of our past is why I feel that I can always trust HIM. It’s why I DO feel that he is my best friend. Even coming back together, I still feel that friendship was never over.
So, that’s my recent personal story. My family is still a bit odd, but I love each and every one of them. They’ve had their own share of mishaps and turmoil’s, my kids still make me wonder if I’ve done the right thing and I love THEM like nothing or no one else (they will always come first). My work life, if you’ve ever seen The Devil Wears Prada – I’m the assistant. And as much as it sounds terrible, I still have that fear also that this role will END, but right now, as the sun shines through my amazing view, as the stupid grin is on my face, I don’t care! Let it end – I’m HAPPY (have I said that enough?)!!